I’m Uptight and It’s Alright

What if you enjoy sex, but you don’t feel the need to explore every aspect of it? What if you prefer not to share your sexual experiences with everyone? What if you are vanilla?


It seems like everyone is watching porn, embracing diverse sexual practices, proclaiming “kinky for life”, and expressing openness to trying anything at least once. There’s a celebration of sexuality, female pleasure, and desires, and it is as beautiful as it is necessary. But what if you are a sexual introvert?

What if you enjoy sex, but you don’t want to explore everything there is? What if you don’t want to share your sexual experiences with everyone—or anyone, for that matter? What if you are vanilla?

In a world that promotes open-mindedness in sexuality, especially among the younger generation, there’s a pressure to embrace desires and kinks, to openly discuss topics once considered taboo and to explore, go wild and be free. It’s great! But the encouragement seems to be aimed at the more outgoing and kinky desires, meaning people, who are more introverted sexually, can feel left behind.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Often, introversion or social awkwardness is still considered weird in our society. If you struggle with easily conversing with strangers, find small talk challenging, struggle to make a group laugh, or feel uncomfortable at large social gatherings, you may be deemed “abnormal.” However, these traits don’t diminish your ability to be a delightful person to talk to or be around. You might even be the funniest person in the room, even if it doesn’t matter in this context.

These societal expectations extend to the realm of sexuality as well. Being true to yourself, especially when it comes to your pleasure, is one of the most glorious feelings. If we all succumb to the pressure to become sexual extroverts, the goals of the sexual revolution will not have been fully realised. We should be able to be open about not being open. Experimentation doesn’t necessarily equal satisfaction.

One of the most significant challenges many of us face is comparing our sex lives to others. We want to know we’re good in bed when we all need to give ourselves permission to like what we like. Have we finally started talking about sexual desires and sexual fantasies to solely worrying about being vanilla?

Spicy Vanilla

In the culinary world, vanilla is a remarkably complex flavour. Although vanilla sex is considered to be the plain, uneventful kind of sex, a lot of people experience it as the more intimate kind:

“Wild sex is easier to have, especially with strangers. I would feel uncomfortable sharing such an intimate and slow-moving moment with someone I just met. I want to have delicious vanilla sex with someone I know better, my lover or partner.”

Who says vanilla can’t be spicy? Let’s label vanilla sex the kind of sex that creates a beautiful connection between you and your (sexual) partner. It involves mutual pleasure, eye-gazing, unhurried movements, synchronised breathing and exploration of new orgasmic worlds. Let’s label it the kind of sex that lets you relax completely and gives you a tingly feeling. It exudes love, intimacy, and security.

Vanilla is just one more flavour in the delicious world of pleasure. The amazing thing about it all is this: No one has sex like you do. So, however you would like to have sex (or not!), it is going to be great.

And just because it should be self-evident: Your (sexual) worth is not defined by how much you’re willing to try or how dirty you get.

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