So. You feel like there’s a part inside of you waiting for a little more kink in your life. Maybe in the form of spanking or maybe being in a place of power play gets you in the mood. Or maybe you want to feel under the spell of someone else’s control. But before you turn the proverbial sex volume all the way up in the bedroom (or club or car), creating kink boundaries is integral to becoming a kinkster.
What is Kink?
Merriam Webster defines kinky as “relating to, having or appealing to unconventional tastes especially in sex”. Kinky is also defined as “whim” and “a clever unusual way of doing something”. Many of us have heard the term vanilla to refer to what kink is not- culturally accepted ‘norms’ around sex i.e. monogamous heteronormative missionary sex. Not to say this can’t be hot, but some of us want to take a walk on the wild side.
Kink can include:
When we all put this all together, there’s a lot to explore emotionally and sexually! As humans, we are multi-dimensional and imaginative beings, so why not encourage this in our sex lives?
Exploring your kinks is an incredible way to get to know yourself through activating your sexual agency. However, it can also be a bit intimidating and scary. With anything unknown, it’s important to create a container for the experience. And that means boundaries.
But kink boundaries begin way before the actual ‘scene’ goes down. It’s important to take the time to get honest in a shame- free space with yourself. Kink is a way out of thinking of sex in societally accepted forms, so you’re literally an adventurer of sorts. Here’s a guide to start your journey as a kink explorer.
Kink Boundaries: Foreplay
- Write it down! Get your fantasies and curiosities on the page. If you need a prompt, you can always use “What I really want is…” After you explore this, move into what you don’t want. Your ‘no’ is just as important as your ‘yes’. Example: What I really WANT is to be tied up with a black silk scarf. But I DON’T want both hands to be tied.
What’s the range of emotion you want to feel? Scared? Bratty? Powerful?
Watch or listen to erotica that mirrors your kink. Make sure it’s ethically produced and there is clear mutual consent throughout, so you can use it as some real down to earth logistical inspo.
Whether you want to get curious with your partner or a new friend, communication is key. Some of the best communicators on the planet are involved in the kink and fetish scene. We may think that too much talk somehow kills the mood, but it can actually be a juicy form of foreplay.
If you are meeting with a new play partner, meet in public spaces over coffee a few times. Get to know them and trust your intuition.
Create a menu with your kinky partner in crime. What’s on the menu and what’s off? Talk about what works for communication during your play date. The ample system is a great way to gauge how everyone is doing. Green= enthusiastic consent. Yellow= take it down a notch. Red= stop.
Agree to go slow. Allow for some awkwardness and humor. Remember, this is a process.
If you feel pressure or like you’re being coerced or doing the same to someone else. STOP. It’s time to reevaluate.
Kink Boundaries: During
Alcohol and drugs affect your ability to make conscious decisions and enforce clear boundaries. Leave them out and let the sheer delight of what’s to come be your high.
Use your voice! If you’re the one in control, tell your play partner what you’re going to do, or what you’re doing to them as you do it. This can be especially hot if blindfolds are being used. Check in with each other. Remember the ample system.
Consent is ongoing. It doesn’t just happen one time, but is a continuous element of healthy sex in all its forms.
Again, take it SLOW. Let the energy and physical sensations rise and fall, build the ‘scene’ in steps and remember, this is just the beginning. You have all the time you need.
Don’t try to fit everything into one interaction. Focus on one or two kinks on your list to explore at first. You don’t want to overwhelm yourself with pressure to do everything the first time.
Kink Boundaries: After
Aftercare, please. Whether it’s while being held, spooning a bit or sharing a tea, make time to talk and decompress with your play partner afterwards. What worked? What didn’t?
Alone time. Give yourself space in the following days to make time for private reflections. Return to your journal and write down how the experience felt. This can also be super hot and like experiencing the scene all over again.
Find resources in your community where consensual healthy kink is celebrated. Visit your locally owned and ethically operated sex shop, do research online or read books written by the professionals.
If possible in your area, consider attending a meet up hosted by Fetlife. Their meet ups are social networking opportunities- NOT sex parties. This can be a great way to connect with people in the kink and fetish community without any pressure to have actual sex.
If you’re looking for inspiration now, CHEEX invites you to get comfy and tune into one of their latest erotic audio stories. Based on a real-life experience, Beginner’s Kink lets you be a voyeur in the room during a power play scene. You can listen to how communication, the ample system and negotiation actually works between two people. Plus, your imagination gets extra stimulated listening to the real time exchange of pleasure, domination and submission.
Welcome to being a kink adventurer.