Coming to Terms with My Desires
I have always had sexual desires and wants that I never fully understood. Curiosities about being choked, a love for leather and latex, the desire to experience bondage. It took a while for me to fully understand these desires. I had never been exposed to the worlds of BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism) and Kink, I did not have the vocabulary to even put my desires into words. After a lot of googling, porn watching and finally being with a partner that made me feel safe and comfortable, I got to the point where I was ready to express my interests and start a journey of exploration. It was one of the scariest things in the world for me to do. My biggest fear was for my partner to think that I was some sort of “freak,” for them to find my desires weird and disgusting or just to not want to be with me at all.
To be fully transparent my delivery was awful. I was so nervous that what I said verbatim was “Babe, I want you to hurt me.” After a lot of clarifying conversations and some video references we were on the same page and began to explore this new world together. We started to discover things we had no idea we were into, openly discussing our desires and fantasies. We began to open up and reach levels of trust that we never knew were possible. Our exploration of kink and BDSM has changed our lives for the better and brought us closer as friends and lovers.
Coming to terms with and being open about my kinky desires was not easy, but the liberation I gained in doing so was well worth it. I know there are others out there who have similar feelings but are keeping them inside. In the African American world, sex is most definitely glamorized but primarily in a way that is heteronormative with a heavy emphasis on traditional gender roles and beauty standards: big booties and tiny waists performing for the cis male gaze. There is limited space for interests lying outside of the societal norm. Any steps outside the box can lead to judgment, misunderstanding, and shame. That is why representation for queer people of color in the kink community is important.
Consent and Agency: The Liberating Power of BDSM
The kink community o ffers a unique and empowering space for individuals of color to exercise control over their bodies and experiences. Within this community, one can rediscover and reclaim their relationships with submission, bondage, and various forms of sensation. Throughout history, many people of color had their bodily autonomy denied, but in these spaces, there is a strong emphasis on consent and personal agency. This creates an environment where desires and boundaries can be explored while ensuring that those experiences are guided by their own choices and preferences.
Safe spaces and education play an essential role in promoting understanding and inclusivity within the kink community. Conducting workshops and having discussions that focus on the experiences of individuals who are both people of color and queer can encourage greater compassion and knowledge. Educational efforts should cover essential topics such as consent, body autonomy, boundaries, cultural sensitivity, and the importance of respecting diverse identities. By actively promoting these discussions, we can work toward a more inclusive and respectful environment.
There are some organizations like Vagina Based Collective along with various other groups within the community that are dedicated to providing safe and inclusive environments for individuals with diverse backgrounds and identities. Seeking out these spaces can help individuals connect with others who share similar experiences and challenges.
On Fetishization and How to Avoid It
As we work towards making the Kink and BDSM communities more inclusive we have to acknowledge that fetishizing someone based on their cultural background or sexual orientation is dehumanizing and disrespectful. Kink should never be used as an excuse to promote harmful stereotypes or objectify someone based on their identity. Boundaries should always be discussed and respected. It is the responsibility of us all to provide a space where individuals can freely explore desires and fantasies, where they can embrace their queerness and cultural identities while breaking free from shame.
To further create opportunities and increase representation for people of color and the LGBTQ+ community, I urge companies and organizations to collaborate with us, to off er us your platforms, and to enable us to lead and create diverse content that represents us in various roles beyond stereotypes. It is essential to refrain from reinforcing or promoting unrealistic portrayals of our erotic lives and instead prioritize authentic and inclusive representations.
Pleasure is as natural a feeling as hunger, and just as we should all have the opportunity to satisfy our basic physical needs safely and consensually, we should also have the right to experience sex and pleasure in a way that is safe and consensual. As our society evolves, it is important to embrace and celebrate the diversity of desires rather than suppressing or stigmatizing them. By doing so, we can create a more inclusive and understanding world where individuals can openly explore their own unique paths to pleasure and fulfillment because Kink is Colorful.