A New Dimension in Sex? Kinky parties

Sex worker Pascal Schafers takes us into the world of sex parties and unravels its intricacies: What do we have to consider? Where can I find kinky parties? What can I expect from them? And what should I put on or take off?

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To share your sexuality with many—is that a fantasy of yours? To surrender to the mess of many bodies in one bed? Maybe it’s going out lasciviously and presenting yourself to others. There are now a variety of kinky parties from which you can choose—in Berlin, at least! You are spoiled for choice; dozens can be found just by Googling. It’s much easier than in cities such as Munich or Frankfurt. But onto the big questions: Where can I find kink parties? What can I expect from them? And what do I put on or take off?

Where Can I Find Kinky Parties

Berlin is a special place, but “special” in the sense the dynamics of people, groups and scenes can be astonishing. Berlin contains the ambivalence of having access to every kind of euphoria possible and the peculiarities that arise from it; it puts the individual on a pedestal and celebrates itself. But Berlin can also swallow individuals, sucking them into intoxication. What do I mean exactly? Like in no other German-speaking city, there is an abundance of clubs which explicitly advertise sexually permissive parties, such as Kitkat or Insomnia. Other clubs like Berghain or ://about blank only imply as much.

There is also a mixture of sex and drugs that I am increasingly sceptical about. Sure, they can add a special kick. But isn’t intoxication used to remove inhibitions that are otherwise difficult to release? Those who can be clean and yet uninhibited during the day, I am very keen about.

Sex parties did not emerge from the techno scene. The sex platform Joyclub, founded in 2002 and expanding rapidly since, has over 2 million members in German-speaking countries. A very special scene of organizers has formed around the forum, creating exclusive parties—from “Eyes Wide Shut” parties in castles to professional “private parties” in chic penthouses—for a mostly heterosexual audience. The “authentic” private parties advertised there should not be cast aside; countless people prepare entire apartments just to host private orgies. This doesn’t only apply to Berlin and various apartments in Neukölln or Charlottenburg but to the entire German-speaking area. Usually, I find this more private entry into parties with 20–30 people more pleasant than going to mass events. At KitKat*, for instance, the selection of sex-positive people is certainly greater, and there’s less pressure to become sexually active since you can just choose to observe at first.

What can I expect from sex parties?

Finding a life partner, maybe? As if! That’s already absurd enough on dating apps, but sounds presumptuous in the context of kinky parties—just like expecting to experience the greatest sexual kick of your life. As with regular parties, it usually gets good when you least expect it.

Sex parties offer a unique space for the exploration of sexuality, sexual communication and erotic playfulness. These events, much more than traditional parties, provide an opportunity to engage with new play partners and test one’s boundaries. Some also realize a special fetish for including several people in a game.

The allure of large kinky parties lies in the simultaneous presence of diverse cravings and desires. Tolerance and togetherness are celebrated, creating an appealing yet occasionally overwhelming atmosphere. However, the sheer magnitude of these events can lead to a feeling of being lost or not in good hands. To address this, organizers often host specific parties catering to particular fetishes, such as great numbers, domination or peeing. There are even parties for “beautiful people” because you don’t want the ugly ones. Unfortunately, there are also “big Black cock” parties. Unfortunately, sexuality is not just an open and freely floating thing, relies on social and cultural capital, making some sex parties insanely exclusive and hierarchical. This is why kinky parties, as they have emerged in the last decade, are certainly not insignificant.

At this point, I can tell you about my attempt at having my own party. It was called BI OPEN and was held monthly from 2016 to 2018 at the Metropol Sauna, one of Berlin’s renowned gay saunas. On the BI OPEN days, the typically male-exclusive sauna was “open for all”, including cis AFAB, nonbinary and trans people. The evenings unfolded across the dance floor with a lively DJ, a whirlpool, sauna infusions and playrooms. The audience was a vibrant mix, from young people of the art scene, bisexual men seeking connection and exchange, old swinger couples, people who simply came to celebrate and get to know each other, and others on the hunt for the highest ecstasy. Critical for the party’s cohesion were the social bar and the smoking room, where everyone could meet and chat. Most importantly, everyone was naked—a sauna experience with or without towels and bathrobes. No costume distinguished one person from another. This brings us to the next topic…

What Do I Wear And When Do I Take It Off?

Choosing the right outfit for a sex party, particularly when not in a sauna setting, can be a daunting task. The standards are high, and it often feels like the focus is solely on sporting the most imaginative and sexy costume. I’ve always had good experiences with not relying exclusively on a high-quality costume that is specially tailored for kinky parties. Play is key, whether it’s pairing boots, panties and a fat leather coat or wrapping yourself completely in cling film with a touch of makeup.

When it comes to undressing, we get into the questions of who to go with, how to go, when to go and where. I will be brief because this is probably a point to be left for another text. For now, suffice it to say that you should ask yourself, “Who are my like-minded people? Is it those like me, who like to fuck like me, and may not necessarily be “my thing”, in human terms?” While kinky parties may promise ecstasy, it’s crucial not to set unrealistic expectations. Your personal sexual experiences may not necessarily be enhanced in this setting, and people might not be more open-minded than in other contexts. Attitude plays a significant role, and approaching these events without preconceived expectations can lead to surprising and delightful experiences.

*(Note: The statement regarding the future of clubs like Kitkat is made with reservations, and the feasibility of kinky parties in the context of social distancing and mask-wearing due to the COVID-19 pandemic remains uncertain.)

For inspiration, consider watching videos under the “intense” category.

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