In no other area of our lives do we seem to expect people to simply know what we like and dislike.
Talking about sex is harder than dirty talk. It is not simply a few words to heat things up, it is showing ourselves, risking our partners being hurt or thinking we have odd sexual preferences, not wanting to sleep with us anymore. We might say something wrong. These are our fears talking. When opening up to someone, especially around this shameful topic called sex, we feel like risking everything, because we have never learned otherwise. So, we are going to explore how to talk about sex.
Let me ask you this:
Then talk about your desires, your likes and dislikes, your thoughts and fantasies, your kinks and your boundaries. Everybody and every body is different. It is not about the one magical technique everyone needs to learn to always be good in bed. It is about telling the person you are fucking, sleeping with or making love to, how YOU like it. It is sexy to know what you want, it is courageous to talk about it and it is everything but shameful.
The other absurd thing about coming out of the closet is that if you are not coming out, you are not homosexual. As if your homosexuality needs to be heard by others to be confirmed and proven true. Of course, that goes for all other non-conforming sexual orientations, gender identifications and ways of living. When you start thinking about the logics of the act itself, heteronormative people would be living in closets all their life. They don’t ever have a coming-out. How could they just naturally live outside the closet, if they never came out? A dark and cramped world that would be. The non-conforming world, nature, queer humans, they are the courageous ones that break free from the darkness of the closet and live in the light.
Talking about sex creates connection and therefore makes the sex itself better. So, let’s cut to the chase:
7 tips on how to talk about sex with your (sexual) partner
1. Find Out What You Want
For a long time, I did not know what I wanted or at least I thought I didn’t. And how can you communicate something you don’t know? Make time to self-pleasure, see what kind of touch you like on yourself: a soft stroke? Scratching? Strong grips? How fast or slow? Where do you want to be touched? Try different movements and see how it feels. Write it down, if it helps you, or self-pleasure frequently to remember and explore further. Whilst you are having sex, notice how certain things your partner does, make you feel. Aroused, excited, dirty, ecstatic, emotional, and let them know with a simple
They will be pleased you told them, they will do it again and you will remember what you like or dislike.
2. Be Honest And Upfront
Especially in heterosexual relationships we are confronted with stigma. For example, cis men are always horny, they always make the first move and their relationship with sex is simple: the more the better, so naturally they don’t need to talk about anything. We have a lot of unlearning to do. From sexual anxiety to kinky fantasies, all things sex are ok to talk about with your (sexual) partner. Not only cis men struggle to talk about sex though – many women and non-binary folk are just as reserved. So the best thing you can do to help your partner talk about sex is to be open and explicit yourself.
3. Be The Guide
If words are not your strong suit, you can gently guide your partner to your pleasure. There is no harm in showing them what you want. Let’s say you like a firm grip on your neck, simply take their hand and place it exactly where you want them to hold you. Guiding someone with no words, holding eye contact, can be very hot and fiery.
4. Trial And Error
You might be turned on by one thing today, but aroused by something else tomorrow. Even if you talk about sex and you know about your likes and dislikes, it is always good to practice trial and error. It helps you explore and may reveal new desires or boundaries you did not know about. Talking about what you would like to try next keeps your sex life playful and open to new practices, ideas and moods. Always knowing that the error is welcome too.
5. Start Small
Let your partner know, that you would like to talk about sex and ask them when would be a good time. Don’t just lay it all out without a warning. That may be overwhelming. Ideally you are sitting down together in a private place, where you both feel comfortable. Not because it is a hard conversation to have, but because you want to feel free to explore, without other people listening. Let’s say you are into BDSM and you are afraid your (sexual) partner will be intimidated by that: Begin by introducing it in an easy, non-threatening way. For example, by suggesting to tie their hands with a soft fabric. It will allow your partner to warm to the idea and it gives them a chance to say yes to the little things, before introducing the bigger requests. One important note: Even if you start small, be clear and upfront, do not just leave vague hints everywhere. They will lead to more confusion than any conversation.
6. Fantasy vs. Reality
Make sure to differentiate between fantasy and reality. If we talk about our fantasies, they can easily be mistaken as a desire. Let’s say you talk about having a threesome, you like to imagine your (sexual) partner and yourself inviting another person into your bed. The thought of it turns you on. But just because you’re thinking and talking about it, doesn’t necessarily mean you want to turn it into reality. Often the best thing about a fantasy is that it’s simply that! Make sure you are clear on where fantasy ends and reality begins to prevent misunderstandings.
7. Be Open To The Response
We all have different triggers. For a lot of people talking about sex can bring up insecurities, fear and shame. We all grew up differently and have been socially conditioned one way or another. Most of us worry that if we have to talk about something, there must be something wrong with us. Human sexuality is complicated regardless of gender identity and sexual orientation. That makes it even more important to encourage a direct and loving conversation. And whatever your sexual desires and boundaries are, they are worth being heard. Just be appreciative and stay open to their response when talking to your partner about sex.
Last but not least: Any talking is better than no talking. You can start with sex in general instead of your sex. If you need something to talk about, watch some of our movies here.