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What If My Reality Is Feminist, But My Sexual Fantasies Are Not?

I consider myself a strong and independent woman. Yet this fact has nothing to do with my sexual fantasies. And it doesn’t have to. Yet a lot of women question the compatibility of their feminist reality with their sexual fantasies.

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TRIGGER WARNING: This article contains topics such as sexual violence and rape.

Let’s get something straight: You may fantasize about women submitting themselves to men, about women being forced to strip, being tied up, you may even fantasize about a woman or yourself being forced into having sex. That doesn’t mean in any way, that you want that fantasy to become true, that your deepest desire is to become a submissive housewife in patriarchy or that you aren’t a strong, beautiful, independent individual in reality. We are being brought up in a world where sexual fantasies are shameful, whether they exist in your head or are portrayed in porn. Especially if your fantasies evolve around something you would never want to come true. We don’t seem to understand how precious our fantasies are and how important it is that they exist, they can encourage curiosity and foster diversity.

The sexual mind is very creative and it can help to express all parts of oneself

I had an interesting conversation with my boyfriend about that topic: He was surprised about my support for all kinds of sexual fantasies and said he couldn’t watch porn that isn’t agreeing with his value system. It feels wrong, isn’t arousing and it shouldn’t be.  In this case he referred to rape porn.

I don’t think it helps to shame anyone for their sexual fantasies and I don’t think it is healthy to suppress them.

Still, the conversation made me think about the extent of sexual fantasies, so I went and watched some more porn on the topic of forced sex. A lot of the videos I watched were playful, sexy, almost cheeky in regards to the “force”. And then there were videos of rape scenes, without pleasure, without playfulness and nothing that looked like consent. They made me feel more anxious than aroused. On certain rape-websites you can find videos that I associate more with the rape scene from “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” than anything.

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I asked myself whether it is a question of what you are into or whether there are limits to the shameless porn fantasy world I envision for our future. And what would that mean? Who tells you, if your fantasies are “ok, normal, accepted” or not?

For that matter I spoke to Anna Dillinger a sex counsellor and life coach.

“First and foremost, we have to agree on reality and fantasy being two very different things. Once we know that, any sexual fantasy is ok.”

As long as your fantasies don’t become a burden to you in any way – let’s say they always accompany you throughout your whole day, or they are limited to only one fantasy and it has to be this one otherwise you won’t get aroused and it harms you more than it pleases you – just go ahead and enjoy the porn you watch and the fantasies you have. And if sexual fantasies become sexual desires at some point, you can (ideally) act them out in a safe space, role playing with a partner. A safe space meaning working with boundaries, agreements and consent, the actual locality is up to you and your partner(s).

Because this is a delicate topic:

“Whenever sexual fantasies in any way turn into acts of violence, whether physical, psychological or emotional, it is never ok. Whenever a sexual fantasy is transferred to reality without consent and outside a safe container, it is simply abuse and never ok.”
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For a long time, the (porn) world has been solely dominated by men. For women (and everyone really) to work against patriarchal structures in- and outside of porn is as necessary as it was years ago. Yet freeing ourselves from these structures might also mean freeing ourselves from having to be only one way or one thing. In the past months I have realized that I don’t always only have one truth. That is another thing we don’t get taught growing up. That you can be a striking powerhouse and at the same time you can be a dirty little whore or a pretty housewife or a lazy robot. You can have multiple truths and they can all exist simultaneously without you being contradictory or schizophrenic. So dive deeper into your fantasy world and find out what turns you on, what gives you pleasure. Don’t let your cognitive mind interfere with your sexual fantasies.

Want some visual inspiration?

Head over to “Bride Gang”, a feminist gangbang by Hardwerk. You could say that tradition and established institutions lie at the core of Hardwerk’s Bride Gang. But, of course, it comes as no surprise that the associated tropes and clichés become a playground for subversion, empowering the female and the non-conformative. 

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Under this label, you will find stories that show more than two people- three (threesome) and more- some. Often they are of different genders or sexual orientations, performing different sexual activities at the same time. Never gets boring, this category splits with monogamous sex.

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