BDSM for Beginners: How to Have Sex with Hierarchy?

How do you start your first BDSM session? Pascal Schaefers, an experienced escort, gives an introduction to the world of BDSM and hierarchical sex.

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BDSM encompasses bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism, and dominance and submission. Even as an escort who has been giving customers fulfilment of their sexual desires and fantasies for over ten years, I sometimes think of the erotic relationship depicted in the bestseller Fifty Shades of Grey. The book, by my estimation, has given many people a rather strange picture of an “SM relationship”. The book implies that sexual submission is always real submission under the wing of a man—pure patriarchy! (Note: Handcuffs shouldn’t for a moment be a gadget that you can use to spice up boring sex.)

What would Michel Foucault say about all of this? In his famous interview with a student from a Frankfurt magazine, he claimed to see sex with hierarchies and violence as a space of liberation in which we can transcend the power structures that surround us every day. For him, sex with hierarchies and violence is laden with pleasure, a means to play with the genuine hierarchies surrounding us, offering a unique understanding and encounter. Sex, in this context, becomes a form of self-knowledge. It also serves as a space of experimentation, because, in real life, many reject the idea of tying each other up, slapping or even choking their partners. But in sexual play? You can try it out!

Choosing a Partner

The most important factor regarding this is probably the person opposite, the other person with whom you get involved in the game—and their willingness to participate! The most common hurdle, based on my experience, hindering the enjoyment of BDSM games is the lack of courage or trust in the partner. There’s often a fear of potential rejection due to the perceived condemnation of one’s fantasies, even if they involve simple desires such as being tied up and burned at the stake.

This is not the only reason why it can sometimes make sense to take the first steps towards BDSM with a new and neutral person—a person with whom there is no previous burden, with whom one has been talking about sexual preferences and fantasies from the beginning on, and with whom it may be easier to open up. One might consider exploring BDSM dynamics with an escort. 😉

What Falls Under the BSDM Category?

What exactly falls under the BDSM category? In simple terms, it encompasses a range of sexual practices that involve both psychological and physical elements, often characterized by hierarchies. These dynamics typically involve a dominant (action-instructing) role and a submissive (action-following) role.

A common scenario involves a slave that the other person can “dispose of” within a certain framework—mental, somatic, financial, whatever. The variations are so diverse that they can hardly be summed up in a single article. For beginners, it’s important to follow personal fantasies, envision them mentally and discuss them with your potential play partner(s). This could involve role-playing scenarios with fetishized professional roles like doctor, teacher or lieutenant, or it might entail restricting the body’s freedom of action, placing one person at the mercy of the other. These ideas don’t have to emerge in formal conversations at the kitchen table; they can naturally become part of the sexual experience by vocalizing desires and jointly developing mental scenarios. Sometimes it may just be a fantasy, and that’s a good thing—not every fantasy has to be realized. Who knows whether the steamy thought of getting used by many strangers in a gangbang has the same potential to turn you on in reality? I would start small first.

So How Do You Start the First Session?

If you feel safe after talking to your play partner and gaining an idea of what might give you pleasure, if you’re ready to experiment, take the time to prepare yourself. Some experienced practitioners of BDSM refer to the mental space as the “head” or the “deep space”. It’s a mental realm where new rules and dynamics prevail, such as “You surrender to me” or “I surrender myself to you”.

The question now becomes: How do you enter this space? It starts with a clear mind and perhaps a few verbal or physical cues to establish the new rules. This could involve simple statements like “Surrender yourself to me” or “You are mine now”, with the submissive person encouraged to repeat them in the first person. Alternatively, it could begin with a sure but sensitive grip on the neck.

It is important to always make sure that the things you do are infused with pleasure and lust. Immersing yourself in this new world may take time, and sometimes, you just have to try things out. The outcome might differ from your initial expectations, and that’s perfectly normal. Be patient and honest while, ideally, staying horny. Sometimes you lose yourself wonderfully in four long hours; sometimes it’s over after 2 minutes. That also still happens a lot to me…

And Finally, a Little Story from Working Life:

Occasionally, my clients book me for BDSM games, typically in the dominant role, as it aligns with my expertise and desires—using someone sexually. However, there came a point when I received a request to assume a submissive role. The specific ask was for scenarios involving staged strangulation, without actual choking. This was new territory for me, but considering the person had a refined and nuanced understanding of their fetish, I decided to give it a try. Perhaps this could lead me into the headspace of a submissive for the first time.

As it turned out, after our second meeting, his touch began to excite me intensely. He knew what he was doing, how I was doing and, most importantly, how to respond. And, hey, presto, I was able to call a new and specific game my own. Whether this game is exclusive to this person or can be replicated with others has still yet to be confirmed through trial and error.

For those seeking inspiration for scenarios, techniques or dialogue, watching videos in categories like “kinky” or “intense” can provide ideas. Sometimes you can also get started by replaying some scenarios. The SexSchool also provides a good start with its BDSM tutorial.

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