Unfortunately, foreplay has been abandoned and viewed as unnecessary, due in large part to heteropatriarchal perspectives.
It’s time to unlearn these myths and recognize that real sex is consensual, irrespective of the form it takes.
Some social scripts would have us think that foreplay is a “pre-sexual” path to penetration. Let’s unlearn these myths and reclaim the forgotten art of foreplay.
Foreplay is a way to lead into the way that we want to have sex that does not necessarily have to be penetrative. Let’s keep in mind, too, that foreplay does not always mean that sex has to happen after. It could just be a nice space to explore. Remember that even if you engage in foreplay, you still need to consent to sex. Consent should also be included in the moments of foreplay. It does not have to be as awkward as you think it is. It is a great time to ask, “What feels good for you?” When you communicate what you like and ask others what they like, you have higher sexual satisfaction. It’s as simple as that.
Here are some myths we wanna debunk about foreplay:
Foreplay is just for the bedroom
Foreplay is boring
Life is too short to be boring! Let’s move past just kissing or making out. There are so many erogenous zones: chest, nipples, butt, perineum (the tiny patch of sensitive skin between your genitals and anus), mouth, back, thighs, feet, armpits, backs of the arms, navel, behind the knees, neck, ears—the list could go on! Use foreplay to get creative and exploratory. Why not take the time to, for example, exploring a kink?
Physical contact, such as a firm grip on the thigh or a nipple on the chest, can be such a turn-on. You could also consider softly caressing your partner from the neck down while looking directly into their eyes.
Foreplay should just be quick
Let’s stop right there and introduce the revolutionary concept of… slow sex! In a world that wants us to be constantly busy running from point A to B, why not savour foreplay? It can be a delicious moment of connection with our bodies. Instead of thinking about what happens next, think about what sensations you are feeling now.
Here are some examples of what things you can focus on to be present:
- Is your skin feeling electric to the touch of your partner’s fingertips moving slowly down your back?
- Are you feeling warm or tingly as someone uses their breath to move over your body?
- Do you note your breath getting faster and your heartbeat increasing?
- Are you enjoying the feeling of a tongue gliding down your neck?
Here are Some Suggestions to Enhance Foreplay:
Set the Mood Beforehand
Foreplay can be something you set up to happen by purposely creating the environment, or it can be more improvised. In both cases, it is very much about being present, trying to feel what you and your partner desire. Often it requires setting aside stressors to focus on the body’s sensations. Consider simple practices such as silencing your phone, putting on your favourite playlist and ensuring the intimacy or privacy of your space. If these methods don’t resonate with you, feel free to improvise and create an environment that aligns with your preferences. Foreplay isn’t about rigid instructions to follow for the right mood; rather, it’s a process of being open and caring about your desires and those of your partner(s).
Communicate!
Communication plays a pivotal role in foreplay, extending beyond just dirty talk. Expressing desires, fears and any other feelings can significantly enhance your sex life. Creating a context where sharing feels comfortable (even when it’s not sexy) makes intimacy much easier to develop. Remember that you don’t necessarily need lengthy conversations to be hot for each other! Be straightforward with your words and actions. Keeping this in mind beforehand and when checking in during intimate moments.
Manage Your Expectations
Go Slowly
We think that going slowly is always a good idea. Going at a slower pace, without the pressure of rushing, allows you to feel the connection between you and your partner(s) and better understand how to keep going. Going slow doesn’t mean sacrificing intensity. Quite the contrary, it often results in a heightened experience. Remember, you always have the option to increase the pace when the situation calls for it. Taking a deliberate and unhurried approach, both with yourself and your partner, has the potential to intensify pleasure and create intentionally intimate memories for both of you.
