Sex and shame from the very beginning
Even as children, we learn to cover our pubic area. Even if we don’t call it that yet, we soon learn that “down there” is taboo. Later, when the pubic hair grows and the labia become interesting, we explore the pubic area with all the curiosity that hormones shoot into our brains. But under the covers, please. And don’t talk about it!
This leads us to be ashamed of our lust, our sexual selves and our genitals. And here there is a direct link to whether and how we can enjoy sex. The more “down there” is associated with shame or even negative feelings, the harder it is to let go during sex and enjoy it to the fullest.
Leave the shame area!
We should break up this culture of shame as soon as possible. Because behind this heavy curtain waits all the passion, the satisfaction, the happiness and ultimately: the whole life. To use Mandy Ronda’s words, “I am a sexual being!” And so are you! Go ahead and say it out loud. How does that feel to you?
And once it’s out there, it’s time to explore it with all the curiosity you need and can muster. How to do that? Start with ourselves!
We’ll start with some questions that can help you find your sexual self. Take your time, find a quiet moment and answer them for yourself. It’s best to write it down so you can read it all over again later. Let’s go!
- When and how do I want to be touched?
- What do I want to experience during sex? (for example liberation, devotion,
- tenderness, closeness, intensity, aggression, transcendence, spiritual connection, rebellion, dominance, freedom, irresponsibility)
- Smelling, tasting, touching, seeing, hearing: Which is your most sexual sense? Why
is it so?
- (Body) language: how do I signal that I feel sexual desire?
- What can I do to make my sex life look like it feels good to me?
- What was the best sexual experience you ever had? Why? What was crucial?
These are questions you don’t have to answer right away. Maybe also because it doesn’t happen that quickly. After all, the sexual self and everything related to it is not exactly present in our society. But even if it’s hard, we should talk about it (even more so then). No more shame, goodbye to the sex taboo and goodbye to stigma.
Getting down to business: How to talk about sex with our partner:s
Now you’re most likely a whole lot closer to your sexual self. You know what you like, what you want and what makes you hot. All well and good, you will say – but how am I supposed to bring this into my relationship now?
In couples therapy, it has proven effective for both partners to answer several open questions and then talk about them together. There are no right and wrong answers. So grab a pen and paper again and answer the following questions – first for yourself.
- Imagine, all to yourself, an ideal relationship. What does it look like? And what role does sex play in it? Just let your imagination run away with you – also write down everything about frequency, positions, places and maybe additional sex partners.
- Now you have an ideal image for your sex life. Is there a difference to your current sex life? What does it look like? In what situations or places do you feel pleasure?
- In other areas in your life (friendships, hobbies, job, etc.), how do you make sure everything is in balance for you?
- How is this self-care different from the things you do for your sexuality?
- What can you learn from the “other things” for your sex life? How can you make sure that you are also taking care of your sex life in a way that is good for you?
Now that you and your partner have answered the questions for each other, it is time to talk. It is important to create a safe space where you feel comfortable. Also make sure that you both have enough time, that there are no more appointments, that you are both relaxed. Make a nice dinner, maybe you like to drink wine or listen to your favorite music. Reassure each other that you respect each other and that you do not judge your counterpart for what he or she feels, thinks and wishes. This is the only way to open up to each other without feeling shame. When you have created this safe space, you can discuss your answers.
And now?
Now it is important to listen to your partner openly, without judgment. It is not about making demands, but about opening up and experiencing true intimacy – without shame and guilt. Just listen to each other and value each other’s responses. None of what you discuss needs to be acted upon right away. Just get to know each other’s sexual selves better. This will create a new level of intimacy and closeness and will most likely lead to positive changes in your sex life in the long run.
And if that does not work?
If that is still a step too hot for you, you can feel your way along for now. After all, practice makes perfect! Start a conversation about sexuality in general, maybe about what positions you have heard of or what kinds of sexual identities there are. This doesn’t have to be directly related to your ideas or fantasies. The first thing to do here is to get to grips with the topic. Then you can also ask each other open questions about sexuality, and then slowly move towards your personal preferences.
- What positions do you know?
- In which places could you have sex anywhere?
- What sexual orientations have you heard of?
- Is there anything that totally turns you off or that you find weird?
- What would you like to try yourself?
Coaching can also help
Another possibility is to have someone neutral intervene, for example a coach. Beforehand, you write down your wishes and fantasies that you don’t quite trust yourself to talk about in a letter. She or he will then read through everything and choose things that fit together or can be combined well. In a coaching session they will be addressed and neither partner has to be afraid that something will be revealed that he or she does not want.
Only in this way, namely in dialogue with others, can we manage to break down the stigma surrounding sexuality – piece by piece.
So: Grab your loved one and help together to free your sexuality from shame. It will be worth it!
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