Shameless Sex: Learn to love your sexual self!

Sex has been around since the dawn of mankind. And without it, there would be no you and no me. Sex sells and drives us. So much of our lives revolve around the “most beautiful secondary thing in the world”. And yet there’s a big, heavy curtain that reliably extinguishes desire: shame.

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Sex and Shame from the Very Beginning

As children, we learn to cover our pubic area. Even if we don’t call it that, we soon learn that “down there” is taboo. Later, when the pubic hair grows, and the labia becomes interesting, we explore the pubic area with all the curiosity that hormones shoot into our brains. But keep it under the covers, please. And don’t talk about it!

This leads us to be ashamed of our lust, our sexual selves and our genitals. And here there is a direct link to whether we can enjoy sex and how. The more “down there” is associated with shame or even negative feelings, the harder it is to let go during sex and enjoy it to the fullest.

Leaving the Shame Area

We should break up this culture of shame as soon as possible. Behind this heavy curtain waits all the passion, the satisfaction, the happiness and, ultimately, the whole of life. To use Mandy Ronda’s words, “I am a sexual being”—and so are you! Go ahead and say it out loud. How does that feel to you?

And once it’s out there, it’s time to explore it with all the curiosity you can muster. How to do that? Start with ourselves!

We’ll start with some questions that can help you find your sexual self. Take your time, find a quiet moment and answer them for yourself. It’s best to write it down so you can read it again later. Let’s go!

These are questions you don’t have to answer right away. It also might not happen that quickly. After all, the sexual self and everything related to it is not very present in our society. But we should talk about it, even though it’s hard—maybe even more so, in that case. No more shame! Goodbye to the sex taboo and goodbye to stigma.

Getting Down to Business: How to talk about sex with our partner(s)

Now you’re most likely a whole lot closer to your sexual self. You know what you like, what you want and what makes you hot. “All well and good,” you’ll say, “But how am I supposed to bring this into my relationship?”

In couples therapy, it has proven effective for both partners to answer several open questions and then discuss their answers. There are no right and wrong answers. So grab your pen and paper again to answer the following questions—for yourself first.

Now that you and your partner have answered the questions, it’s time to talk in a safe space where you feel comfortable. Make sure that you both have enough time, that there are no more appointments, and that you are relaxed. Have a nice dinner; maybe you’d like to drink wine or listen to your favourite music. Reassure each other that you respect each other and will not judge each other for your feelings, thoughts and wishes. This is the only way to open up to each other without shame. When you have created this safe space, you can discuss your answers.

And Now?

Now it is important to listen to your partner openly, without judgment. It is not about making demands, but rather about opening up and experiencing true intimacy, without shame and guilt. Just listen to each other and value each other’s responses. None of what you discuss needs to be acted upon right away. Just get to know your sexual selves better. This will create a new level of intimacy and closeness and will most likely lead to positive changes in your sex life in the long run.

And If That Doesn’t Work?

If that is still a step too hot for you, feel your way along for now. After all, practice makes perfect! Start a conversation about sexuality in general—maybe about what positions you’ve heard of or what kinds of sexual identities there are. This doesn’t have to be directly related to your ideas or fantasies. The first thing to do here is to get to grips with the topic. Then you can also ask each other open questions about sexuality, and then slowly move towards your personal preferences.

Another Tool: Coaching

It’s also possible to have someone neutral intervene, such as a coach. Beforehand, you two write down your wishes and fantasies that you don’t quite trust yourself to talk about in a letter. The coach will then read through everything and choose things that fit together or can be combined well in a coaching session. The topics will be addressed, and neither partner has to be afraid that something will be revealed that he or she does not want.

Only in this way, namely in dialogue with others, can we manage to break down the stigma surrounding sexuality, piece by piece.

Grab your loved one and help each other free your sexuality from shame. It will be worth it!

Want to learn more about why you tick the way you do and what makes for healthy relationships with yourself and others? Dearest is your digital relationship companion. Together with professional couples therapists, systemic coaches, psychotherapists and psychologists, you will learn how to have healthy relationships with yourself and others. And, in case of acute heartache, conflicts or loneliness, you can book digital sessions promptly—without long waiting times—for couples and singles. Just check out: www.hello dearest.io.

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