In the series In Bed with Friends I have open and intimate conversations with friends and friends-to-be about sexual topics and practices that need more loving attention.
Talking about anal sex, play and pegging was curiously interesting to me. I had never spoken about anal practices with anyone other than my partner before. It just never came up. Once I started, I realized the amount of taboos, clichés, misconceptions and stereotypes still existing around all things anal.
Anal sex (pegging included) may be one of the most diversely opinionated forms of sex. It is either despised or fetishized. According to the world wide web, anal sex is dirty, naughty, forbidden, gay, exciting, disgusting, degrading, pleasurable, obscene, harmful and only for submissive characters.
I grew up with the impression that anal sex is something boys want girls to do, because it is the dirtiest thing you can do in bed and it gives the boy ultimate power. I also grew up thinking it would be incredibly hurtful and I would be a slut, if I would let anyone penetrate my behind. We are still in the middle of a sexual revolution, trying to rid ourselves from ongoing gender inequality, homophobia and religious shame. The thought that sex is for reproductive purposes only, makes anal sex pointless and therefore even more shameful.
How can we expect ourselves to have unbiased and curious encounters with buttholes, if we have to work through years of conditioning first?
Generally speaking, being penetrated – wherever that may be – always puts you in a vulnerable position. Traditionally, the the person, carrying their penis outside their body, is the one penetrating. The person, carrying her vagina inside their body, is the one being penetrated. This constitutes a strong power dynamic, that can either lead to greater intimacy or greater inequality. It doesn’t matter whether you’re in a homosexual or heterosexual relationship, exploring both sides of the power dynamic can be very eye-opening and uniting. To put yourself in the position of the other – even if only once – creates a greater understanding for one another.
In my conversations I’ve found that anal sex in long-term relationships is not uncommon. But it is practiced consciously and very slowly. It can be a welcomed variety, expanding the sexual playground. But it’s never “a quickie kind of situation”.
Pegging on the other hand hasn’t been tried by that many. Some of my male friends are afraid of putting themselves in such a vulnerable place, others subconsciously question their sexual orientation and others are afraid of being dirty, but the ones who have tried it, loved it! This is because the prostate is the P-Spot. The prostate – the small, walnut-shaped gland located a few centimeters inside of the rectum – is packed with nerve endings. Stimulating the prostate can be exceptionally pleasurable.
If you don’t want to start with pegging, start with anal play.
There are so many ways to explore this part of the body. You could start by getting a massage around the anus with some lubricant. Usually it is pretty tight, so it needs time to relax and loosen up. You can ask your partner(s) to lick and kiss your butthole. You can play around with different positions. What’s comfortable for you?
And only if you feel ready for your partner(s) to enter your rectum – not a second before – they may enter you slowly, gently and with a lot of lube. They can use their finger (wearing a latex glove so the nails don’t do any damage), an anal plug, a dildo, a vibrator, a wand or a strap on. If your partner(s) is using their finger, they can give you a prostate massage by slowly moving up the rectum until it feels a little more spacious. You can both try and feel where the prostate is located and what sort of touch feels good to you. As the prostate has a lot of nerve endings it can be quite an emotional experience.
When I talked to Camilla Storgaard, a sexual therapist in Berlin, she pointed out, that “the harmful effect [of shame and conditioning] is that many people decide to not fully explore their sexual potential or maybe use anal sex as a way to execute power and control over another person. But despite us still being undermined by ancient and harmful believes, […] more and more people seek sex therapy to rid themselves of any shame and misbelieves they might be carrying around, imposed on them by family, friends or society.“
Remember, where and how you receive pleasure does not determine your sexuality.
And last but not least, everyone has very different preferences and experiences, there is no one way to do it. I have also talked to friends, who just don’t like anal sex and some don’t even like the thought of it, because this is where the feces come out. So whether you don’t want to engage in any kind of anal activity or you would love to try it, don’t hesitate to talk to your partner(s) about it.
And Now Enjoy Some Anal Play on Screen
