Orgasms are often shown as the goal of sex. Yet, The orgasm of people with vulva is still talked about like a mythical mystery that is often misrepresented. The education around orgasms of the sexes leaves much to be desired. The so-called ‘orgasm gap’ states that women in heterosexual relationships are 30% less likely to orgasm. Almost more glaring is that 30% of cis hetero women say they always come when masturbating but only 6% say they always come when having sex with their partner(s). Here you can see the patriarchal-sexist system in action, where the sexuality of people with vulvas in hetero couples is conceived as secondary. In addition, the anatomy of people with vaginas is often sold as difficult and, as if those who do not cum through penetrative sex have a pathological condition. This is of course untrue, many people with vaginas cannot come through vaginal stimulation, but need clitoral stimulation for an orgasm. There is nothing wrong or strange about this, you and your partner(s) just need to be more aware of the stimulation that leads to orgasm.

Of course orgasms are great. They feel amazing and are very good for mental and physical health. Of course, it sucks to see how many people with vulva don’t orgasm due to various factors. Still, I find the narrative of the orgasm gap a bit exhausting. Many companies take advantage of this, by creating a  “solution” that relies heavily on consumption. It is also a very heteronormative narrative, because LGBTQIA+ couples have a significantly smaller gap. Besides, it seems as if it is a problem that has to be solved by all means. 

It’s time we start questioning the high value placed on climaxing during sex. The narrative of good sex is currently that you absolutely have to have an orgasm for sex to be described as good. I now feel a very strong pressure to close the orgasm gap with all means and like I have failed if I cannot cum during sex. When I talk to friends about it, many feel similarly. I have also overheard conversations in which friends have told me that they had very good sex and when they answered the question ‘how often did you come’ with ‘not at all’ they were dismissed with ‘well then it can’t have been that good’. Is that so? Can sex really only be good when you have an orgasm? 

I think that we should look at what pleasure, in a world beyond the orgasm, actually means to us. Here’s a little thought experiment: Why do we actually have sex? Is it just for the orgasm? What if the orgasm didn’t exist at all? What would be important then? Would we still have sex then? What does intimacy mean to us? Is it kissing, cuddling afterwards, holding hands, looking at each other? The answers to these questions are of course very individual and they should be. The experiment should also serve to think about what actually gives you pleasure and what you enjoy, without pressure. 

So: Sex can be fun both with and without orgasm. This intimate act should really only be about you and your partner(s). Outside pressure should have no place in bed. Just enjoy what you enjoy… one fuck at a time.