Orgasms are often portrayed as the ultimate goal of sex. However, the orgasm experience for individuals with vulvas is frequently shrouded in mystery and often misrepresented. The education around orgasms leaves much to be desired. The so-called “orgasm gap” states that women in heterosexual relationships are 30% less likely to orgasm. Almost more concerning is the fact that only 30% of cishet women report always reaching orgasm during masturbation, while only 6% say the same for sex with their partner(s).
This highlights the impact of a patriarchal system, where, in heterosexual couples, the sexuality of individuals with vulvas is considered secondary.
Additionally, the anatomy of people with vaginas is sometimes presented as complex, suggesting that those who don’t climax through penetrative sex have a pathological condition. This is, of course, untrue; many people with vaginas require clitoral stimulation for an orgasm. There is nothing wrong or unusual about this—you and your partner(s) simply need to be more attuned to the stimulation that leads to orgasm.
Certainly, orgasms are great. They feel incredible and contribute to mental and physical health. Of course, it sucks to see how many people with vulvas don’t orgasm due to various factors. Still, I find the narrative of the orgasm gap somewhat exhausting. Many companies take advantage of this, by creating “solutions” that rely heavily on consumption. It is also a very heteronormative narrative, seeing as LGBTQIA+ couples have a significantly smaller gap. Besides, it’s presented as a problem that must be resolved at all costs.
It’s time to question the excessive importance placed on climaxing during sex. The current narrative suggests that sex must involve an orgasm to be deemed good. I now feel immense pressure to close the orgasm gap by any means, and it feels like a failure if I cannot climax during sex. Many of my friends express similar sentiments. I’ve also overheard conversations in which friends have said they had very satisfying sex but when asked, “How often did you come?” replying “Not at all,” led to dismissal. “Well, then it can’t have been that good.” Is that really the case? Can sex only be good when you have an orgasm?
I believe we should reevaluate what pleasure means to us in a world beyond orgasm. Here’s a little thought experiment: Why do we have sex? Is it solely for the orgasm? What if the orgasm didn’t exist? What would still be important? Would we still engage in sex? What does intimacy mean to us? Is it kissing, cuddling afterwards, holding hands or looking at each other? The answers to these questions are highly individual, as they should be. The experiment encourages reflection on what truly brings you pleasure and enjoyment, free from pressure.
Sex can be enjoyable both with and without an orgasm. This intimate act should be about you and your partner(s), with no room for external pressures. Simply enjoy what you enjoy, one fuck at a time.
