To your great aunt Nora, sex toys and anal play might be super kinky, meanwhile, these could just be regular components of your open-minded friend’s sex life. As our personal boundaries along with society’s definitions are changing, the answer is that what is considered normal or vanilla as opposed to kinky is subjective and depends on each person and their individual starting point.
Besides, there are more kinks and fetishes out there than anyone can count, and each contains a spectrum. Let’s take powerplay, which can range from gentle topping and bottoming on one end to 24/7 Master/slave dynamics on the other. Spanking or impact play ( a form of BDSM where usually the sub is struck by the top with the hand or a rigid implement) starts with playful barehanded slapping all the way to skin-tearing whippings, and a bondage kink can mean anything from tying a partner’s wrist to the bedpost, to high-risk Shibari suspensions. To each their own.
When exploring kinks together, never pressure or let yourself be pressured beyond your physical or mental limits and move at your own speed. As opposed to getting thrown overboard without a lifesaver, I like to think of safe kink play as a delicate dance at the edge of your comfort zone.
How can we make our dating life kinkier?
Whether you’re curious or a seasoned kinkster, we all have the potential to open up and explore further, to learn more about ourselves and what we like.
To provide some inspiration, I’ve put a spin on some common dating scenarios, from the classic dinner date to a picnic in the park. You can use these as scripts or adjust them in any direction to better suit you.
Dinner—with a vibe
You will get unlimited access to
GET STARTEDDrinks—with a dash of Domination
Agoraphilia, the fetish for having (or wanting to have) sex in public places, is common, but the majority are not daring enough to play it out. Would you?
Imagine this. It’s a sunny day and you and your partner have packed a lovely basket. Strolling hand in hand through the park, you’re looking for the ideal spot, but not for your average picnic. What’s on the menu is—yes, you guessed it—each other.
Anticipation builds as you wander, scouring the scenery for somewhere with just the right amount of privacy; where you can hide from plain sight without losing the fear of getting caught with your pants down…literally.
This build-up, as opposed to the sex itself, might become the highlight of the scenario since you’re trading comfort and time for the thrill. On the bonus side, the extra excitement is bound to release a delicious mix of adrenaline and dopamine to fuel the remainder of the day, and beyond.
And what’s in your picnic basket? I recommend a blanket to lay down beneath you, a robe or other quick cover-up, water to avoid dehydration, a pack of wet wipes, and condoms.
A few words of warning: When engaging in public play, stay away from typical family areas and never put anyone in a situation where they’re forced to watch. In the case that you should get discovered, make sure the local penalty for public obscenity does not exceed whatever you and your partner are willing to risk for the deed.
Invite them over—with instructions
When we’ve dated someone for a while, many of us fall into the trap of too much Netflix and chill, minus the euphemism. Still, at-home dates are convenient and provide the necessary privacy to get as naughty as you want.
Next time you invite your lover over, propose to send them a list of special instructions and craft a detailed plan for the evening.
To establish dominance (after your partner has agreed, of course), submit your very particular list of requests down to what they should wear, how they must groom, and items to bring, from toys to that fancy whisky you love. The more specific the list, the stronger the sense of authority.
From there, you could blindfold them as they enter and take them on a sensory journey. Whether you’re a strict dom requiring your partner to serve and please you with the threat of punishment if they get it wrong, or you want to restrain and play with them using feathers, wax, ice cubes, or something else entirely, this should be negotiated beforehand, without giving away all your surprises, if possible.
If D/s (dominant/ submissive) is not for you, roleplay scenarios are abundant. Is your partner a full-service massage therapist? A sex worker? A home nurse? The delivery person, or perhaps the plumber? Or are they a tentacled alien from outer space? The sky is the limit.
Make them dessert—literally
There’s an inherent connection between food and sex. Also known as wet and messy fetish aka WAM, sploshing is the act of incorporating food items as foreplay or during sex.
You can hardly go wrong with sweets like berries, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce. From someone who’s turned a lover into a real-life birthday cake on more than one occasion, I speak from experience.
Skip dessert at the restaurant and take your date home for an extra sweet, and messy (!!!), end to the evening. On that note, you might want to lay down a sheet to protect whatever surface you play on. And, don’t forget the bubbly!
Still not sure where to start? Learn about each other in fun ways first.
Many are under the assumption that talking about sex and kinks beforehand takes away the fun of it, but nothing could be further from the truth. If you and your partner are not sure what you like and what you’d want to explore, make a whole date (or a few) out of finding out.
You can download and spend the evening filling out and reviewing some of the many kink checklists that can be found online, or make your own. Read erotica out loud to each other, listen to audio, or watch some hot alternative porn and discuss them together after. Or, you could go on an excursion to your local sex toy shop and make some shiny, new purchases together.
Happy exploring!
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