I was sitting in the bath having a glorious wank and I thought about what makes my sex life so great. Not to brag, but things have drastically improved over time. About 3 years ago I set up a blog on Instagram called @mydisabledsexlife and back then I did not know how to manage a sex life with multiple disabilities. I live with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, Arthritis, chronic pain, and mental health problems. No one had ever taught me about good sex, let alone how to adapt that sex to be inclusive, comfortable, and most importantly pleasure focused.
This seems wild to me considering that 1 out of 6 persons worldwide lives with significant disability. Disabled people are oftentimes left out of conversations about sex which does our community a disservice. Andrew Gurza, one of the contributing authors to the Handi Book of Love, Lust and Disability, started the hashtag #DisabledPeopleAreHot on Twitter in response to a lack of representation in the media. Disabled people are sexy, creative, loving, kinky, amazing people. You know this already that is why you are reading this article!
Because every person experiences their own disability in a unique way, this guide will never be one size fits all. I am just one human and the adaptations I make might not work for you but the ideas in this article will help open your mind and get the conversation started.
Back to wanking and what makes my sex life so great. Sex positivity helped me redefine what sex means to me. It helped me to let go of the shame and ideas of what sex had to be like to be ‘good’.
Communication
Before you limber up and think about getting into a handstand for a sex position (unrealistic I know- but it has been suggested to me before) it is important that we get back to basics. If you do not feel comfortable talking to your partner about your needs and why they are so important, then start simple.
Tell Them Your Limits
- What can your body do or not do?
- How long can you have sex for before your fatigue wins?
- Do you have any medications needed on standby?
- Do you need breaks?
- What does it look like when you have reached your limit?
Make sure to keep water on standby and take breaks if you need to. It took me a long time to be comfortable taking rests during sex as it is not something you normally get to see. However, it is a welcome chance to catch your breath and non-disabled partners will agree too.
What Does or Does Not Give You Pleasure
- Is it an ear nibble?
- When someone knows how to touch your scars just right?
- Is it anal sex?
- Is it very gentle stimulation on your genitals?
Moving Around
- Do you need help transferring into positions?
- Will your care team help to get you ready?
- Is there any equipment or controls that needs to be explained?
- Will you need support to keep you in a position or hold your weight?
Everyone is different, ask respectful questions and most importantly keep these lines of communication open before, during and after sex to make sure everyone stays on the same page. It is also worth noting that the answers to these questions can change daily, or you may not have the answers yet, that is ok too.
1. Doggy
In a bottom position, I struggle to hold my own weight, so I support my body with pillows off the bed and stack them up on top of one another under my stomach until the job is done. This allows my arms to be free to hold a clitoral vibrator.
Another option if you can splash the cash a little is using a more purpose made support. Liberator is a company who offers positioning aids and sex furniture to help you. I have personally loved the Magic Wand Mount as it allows me to be completely hands-free and get the benefit of a wand for stimulation, while the cushion is firmer and keeps its position with more support. You could also adapt doggy to suit you by:
- Using a sex swing chair pulled up to a bench or the edge of a bed for assisted thrusting
- Your wheelchair or a perching stool to rest on
- A worktop or flat surface such as a table rest your body onto
The Doggy can be adapted in several ways, so keep playing around with it.
2. Missionary
The missionary is another classic position, good to keep things simple – especially where pain, fatigue and reduced mobility may be concerned. Lying on your back tends to come with the assumption that the weight is off your joints. I keep my neck supported with pillows and use a rolled-up towel, or pillows under the pelvis which can help to reduce pelvic pain and lower back pain.
If you need extra support to tilt your hips upwards while lying on your back, your partner could pass a tie, a belt, or a long piece of fabric under your legs to hold them steady, taking the weight off you if you are unable to pull your own legs towards your stomach. This gives you both something to hold onto whilst you are getting down to it. A wedge sex pillow could be worth the investment to help you get more pleasurable penetration.
3. Sideways 69
If mutual oral sex is something you are keen to explore, lie both on your side, facing each other’s genitalia. You could use a spreader bar or cushions for support. You could also place your arms onto your partner’s shoulders or waist for support. This creates intimacy and sensual feelings as you feel your partner’s skin softly.
4. Mutual Wank
A good way to build tension would be to sit opposite one another and mutually masturbate – the eye contact, showing each other what you enjoy and playing with toys is an exciting way to be sexy together when other barriers may limit touch. You could make things even hotter by trying some audio porn.
5. Sexy Spooning
I love this position on lazy Sunday mornings. Both you and your partner lie on your side. As the little spoon you want to pull your knees up and spread your legs a little. You may find your back naturally slightly bending forward to get your pelvis in a comfier position- whatever works for you. Let your partner reach for your genitalia – with their hands, or toys. The more lube the better. I enjoy my partner softly kissing and touching my neck or stimulating my external genitals when in this position.
Happy Humping!
Variety is the spice of life. The bedroom (or anywhere really) is your oyster. Get Creative. I often find that the best sex positions are the ones that you come up with in the moment. To manage my disabilities, my partner and I ever so slightly tweak the positions that we already find ourselves in to maximise pleasure. Once we have #DisabilityProofed any position by making some adjustments, we are rocking.
I hope you have enjoyed this little guide and you have learnt something or started your journey with sex positivity. Sex really is for everyone, and pleasure is for everyone. You sexy disabled person reading this- you deserve comfy, pain free, steamy, SHAME FREE sex. Do not forget lube, toys and good old communication. Remember to share ideas and talk about sex with your friends, you could all learn something new.
