When I discovered the sex-positive movement a few years ago, I was very much drawn to it for the sake of finally allowing myself to speak about and do extensive research on sex more or less without inherited shame or guilt telling me not to. Those voices would say it’s not proper, adequate nor is it “intellectual” to be interested in sex. Coming across the sex-positive movement was a break-through because I loved thinking about sex and now I could speak about sex and I loved it. I loved it probably more than actually having it.
“Despite the connotation of the word ‘positive’, sex positivity does not entail screaming YES! to sex all the time”
Which is also why I want to start out by clearing up a myth of what it means being sex-positive: despite the connotation of the word positive, sexpositivity does not mean you are ready and screaming YES! to sex all the time. Quite the contrary, actually. Sex-positive means a lot of different things to a lot of different people and that is the beauty of it. Each can come and discover what sex means to them and do they actually like what they have been doing this far and how can one enhance that. Which partners are preferred or doing the good deeds with and to yourself are all questions that may arise when discovering your own sexpositive vibe. It’s basically allowing yourself to fantasize and let your imagination run riot.
“Traditional sex education often focuses on avoiding unwanted consequences like pregnancy or HIV/AIDS, neglecting the exploration of sex as a source of pleasure.”
Surely, it’s important to recognize that sex was historically stripped of its pleasure, framed for reproductive reasons. Traditional sex education often focuses on avoiding unwanted consequences like pregnancy or HIV/AIDS, neglecting the exploration of sex as a source of pleasure. The emphasis on unwanted, life-long consequences led many individuals to deny themselves the opportunity to explore their sexuality fully. Let’s reclaim our sex then.
Before discovering ethical porn, I would occasionally snoop around in the female-friendly section of regular porn sites. The binary gender assumptions and the reproduction of gender stereotypes—seen in the soft lighting and soft vanilla sex—only created another set of unrealistic expectations of sex. Besides, it assumed a one-dimensional idea of what it means to be female.
“Sex-positivity involves integrating eroticism… into your everyday actions and encounters."
That being said, I knew taking up this question IRL and speaking to my open-minded friends would be a good start. Eventually, one of them introduced me to ethical porn, which required unlearning the patriarchal porn gaze. I also necessitated an adjustment to different temporalities, storytelling and aesthetics. Sex-positive parties provided a safe and consensual space for self-exploration, as the spaces felt safe, consensual and non-judgmental. Sex-positivity, in this context, involves integrating your eroticism and your kinks into your everyday actions and encounters. It encourages individuals to tune into their desires, allowing authenticity to guide their experiences, free from societal expectations.
Again, sex-positivity involves attuning to and effectively communicating my sexual needs, boundaries and desires in a healthy manner. It’s been a journey of self-discovery that has led to better self-acceptance and understanding, shifting the focus from prioritizing another person’s pleasure to integrating myself into the dynamic of sexual encounters.
Sex-positivity might mean wearing a harness and enjoying being looked at but not touched. It might also involve a preference for not engaging in sex at all but finding pleasure in thinking or talking about it. Ultimately, sex-positivity encourages embracing one’s unique relationship to sex and breaking away from societal norms and moral judgments.
To come to terms with what sex-positivity means for each cutie, it’s essential to explore the origins of our ideas and moral understanding of sex. The deconstruction of societal notions surrounding sex allows us to shed a sense of shame and accept diverse perspectives on sexuality. While respecting the boundaries of consent and avoiding oppressive structures, accepting different views on sexuality becomes crucial.
In this context, a mindful approach to porn is seen as a vital source of empowerment. Sex-positive porn, often produced and directed by women or following strict ethical guidelines, aims to encourage individuals to accept, acknowledge and embrace their sexuality, equality and pleasure.
