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Let’s talk about porn, baby !

Porn and Relationship: Our author Anneli von Klitzing tried to find out with her partner why it is not always easy to talk about pornography in relationships.
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So far, I have brought up the topic of pornography in all of my relationships. Simply out of curiosity: How often do you watch porn? What kind? Why? Since for me pornography has always been dissociated from my own sex life, I don’t feel threatened by my own porn consumption nor the porn consumption of my partners. And yet it’s not always easy to have the “porn talk”. Despite our largely enlightened Western society, this subject still feels like a forbidden one. Together with my partner, I tried to find out why it’s not always easy to talk about pornography in (primarily heterosexual) partnerships. 

Learned shame

Most of the men I’ve talked to about this don’t want to associate their partner with the kind of videos they’ve been watching online ever since they were teenagers. The loving, beautiful, hard, tender sex you (want to) have with your partner has nothing to do with your own filthy behavior, that you’ve learned to keep behind closed doors. A goal-oriented practice that aims for a short, private relief instead of a shared experience. During adolescence the room was locked to secretly escape into a forbidden, dirty and naughty world. For a lot of people this feeling unconsciously continues into adulthood. 

And very few would like to tell their partner: “I only come when I watch videos of women patiently waiting for a guy to jerk himself off until he explodes in her face.”

“Let’s talk about porn, baby”

It can be extremely exciting to talk to your partner about your preferences (in porn), to find out what you would actually like to try together and what better remains a fantasy in the video world. What kind of porn could you discover together? Is there a film you always wanted to watch with a partner? If you really get into it, you may end up shooting your own porn film. Because after all, it’s about arousal and lust, maybe even about making love – actually beautiful themes and emotions. But before we get here: How do you even start the conversation?

Quite simply with the question: “Do you (like to) watch porn?” If you’re unsure about how your partner will react, or you’re afraid they might feel interrogated, it helps to share your intention. You can talk about your own relationship with pornography for instance, about your interest in your partner’s preferences or your desire to watch porn together.

Men in particular are afraid to be judged for their pornography consumption, because we still fail to create a safe space to talk about topics like sex, lust and fetishes naturally and openly. In addition, there still is relatively little pornographic content from a female or queer perspective, which is why some mainstream pornography shows a form of sex that does not necessarily want to be carried out in one’s own sex life. And if it does, this wish remains hidden behind a feeling of shame. 

Precisely because of this; an open, sincere and welcoming approach is the best way to start such a conversation – and who knows where the journey could lead you …

Love your lust

In general, I want to encourage everyone to talk about pornography in their relationships. To eventually increase the variety of films produced, to free lust from shame and regardless of the outcome of the discussion: to lead a more fulfilling sex life!

Finally, a short note: if you really want to create your own little pornographic film and you do not wish to publish it, please be aware of possible consequences beforehand and work on a conscious and clear agreement with your partner. 

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