Learned Shame
Most of the men I’ve talked to about this don’t want to associate their partner with the kind of videos they’ve been watching online ever since they were teenagers. The loving, beautiful, hard, tender sex you (want to) have with your partner has nothing to do with your own filthy behavior, that you’ve learned to keep behind closed doors. A goal-oriented practice that aims for a short, private relief instead of a shared experience. During adolescence the room was locked to secretly escape into a forbidden, dirty and naughty world. For a lot of people this feeling unconsciously continues into adulthood.
And very few would like to tell their partner: “I only come when I watch videos of women patiently waiting for a guy to jerk himself off until he explodes in her face.”
“Let’s Talk About Porn, Baby”
Engaging in a conversation with your partner(s) about your (porn) preferences can be incredibly exciting. It opens the door to discovering shared interests defining what’s meant to stay in the realm of video fantasy. What kind of porn could you discover together? Is there a film you always wanted to watch with a partner? If you get into it, you may end up shooting a porn film yourself. The themes of arousal, lust, desire and making love are beautiful aspects worth exploring together.
But before we get here: How do you even start the conversation? Start simply with, “Do you (like to) watch porn?” If you’re unsure about how your partner will react or you’re afraid they’ll feel interrogated, sharing your intention can help. You could share details about your relationship with pornography, express your interest in their preferences or convey a desire to watch porn together.
Many cis men fear judgment for their consumption of pornography due to the lack of a safe and open space to discuss topics like sex, lust and fetishes. Additionally, the limited representation of female or queer perspectives in mainstream pornography explains why so much pornography depicts forms of sex we don’t necessarily want to carry out in our own sex lives. When people are inspired by these kinds of porn, they may hide these desires behind feelings of shame.
Precisely because of these challenges, an open, sincere and welcoming approach is the best way to initiate such a conversation. Who knows where this conversation might lead you on your journey of shared exploration and understanding?
Love Your Lust
In general, I want to encourage everyone to engage in open conversations about pornography within their relationships. By doing so, we can contribute to the diversification of films, liberate lust from shame and, regardless of the outcome of the discussion, foster more fulfilling sex lives!
Finally, a short note: If you genuinely want to create a private pornographic film without any intention of publishing it, please be mindful of potential consequences and establish a conscious and clear agreement with your partner beforehand.
