Sex At 50 - My Life Started After I Turned Fifty
At first sight I am the stereotype of a white 57-year-old heterosexual male, married, and father of three grown-up children. Until not so long ago I worked hard being the boss of my own business and drove over 40.000 kms in a leased BMW. This changed dramatically a few years ago, for sex is now the main activity in my life.
Lousy lover
I was well in my forties before I sexually awakened. Until then, I was sexually frustrated. Sex was pathetic and almost nonexistent in my life. It was buried under a load of shame. I did not understand it all that well and I was not very good at it. So, no wonder sex was a source of frustration. Then a feminine angel came into my life and awakened my sexuality.
Sex At 50 - Fears and Desires
With her the sex was uninhibited and delightful. After some time together we wanted to explore deeper layers. We were looking for depth, for another experience. We went to sex-coaches, participated in tantra workshops, explored bondage and BDSM, and dressed up for kinky parties. I entered a whole new world. Exploring sex is fun and playful, but it also touches deep fears and desires. Things I was not even aware of. It showed me how it can limit me in my daily life. I wanted to resolve and abandon these fears and limitations. It is a tough journey – since there is no growth within your comfort zone – but a most rewarding one.
Sex At 50 - No Goal
My most important learnings? The first thing I realized, is that I saw sex mainly as the way to an orgasm. For me that was the goal of having sex. Reaching this peak is quite easy. I learned that it’s rewarding to let go of this goal. Once you have enough kids, sex is for connection and pleasure. An orgasm ends instantly for most men. In the beginning, having sex without orgasming is quite difficult. I started a practice which I call ‘masturbation-meditation’. Masturbating without a goal and without ejaculating. I started to recognize signals that indicate the ‘point-of-no-return.’ Now I am in control, and reaching an orgasm is no longer the objective. I can consciously decide if and when I want an orgasm. So now making love lasts longer and therefore brings more pleasure.
Opposites Attract
I also learned about polarity. In a longer lasting relationship, polarity tends to disappear. Before you know it, you and your wife are strolling in the park in identical jackets. If you want to keep it juicy, you must take care of the differences. It’s true, opposites attract. If your sex life hibernates after fifty, it is can be because of this, because you are just not so good at it or for another reason.
Sex At 50 - Fear of Impotence
For me something did change after my fiftieth birthday. My erections are no longer as long-lasting as they used to be. I can be less hard and sometimes they disappear just like that. When I first realized that, it scared me. It made me insecure, and insecurity is a killer for a good hard-on. It was a vicious circle: I was goal-oriented again, focusing on being erect, and when I was erect, I felt the pressure to perform. I was back to square one.
For me impotence was shameful. Shame is best dissolved with exposure. I talked about it. With my partner and with people both penis and vulva owners. We started experimenting and found that my arousal (and therefore also my erection) comes in waves. I learned not to panic or become insecure, but to trust and patiently wait for the next wave. I no longer rush. We take breaks during lovemaking. My fear of impotence is gone and as a result my erection is more reliable. Actually, it improved our sex life.
Sex At 50 - Drastic Change
The exploration brought knowledge and improvement. It also brought a drastic change in my life. I fired myself as the director of my business. I wanted to use the lessons learned to help other men to start exploring their sexuality, preferably way before their forties. So now I coach men on intimacy and sexuality. They come to me with questions such as: ‘After 20 years, our sex-life is almost dead. I love my wife, but this makes me very unhappy. What can I do?’ or ‘My wife longs for a more masculine man in bed, but I don’t know how to do that’.
Tie me up!
Apart from coaching, I now am a professional Shibari practitioner. Shibari is Japanese rope bondage. People, mostly women, but also men, come to me for private sessions. Apart from private sessions I give Shibari classes, where I teach people how to spice up their sex life using ropes. It really fulfills me to give my clients the experience of a safe, loving, and connected bondage session. Every time I’m touched by the deep state of surrender I can bring to them. Shibari can be any combination of liberating, relaxing, exciting, and healing.
If you would have told me this story ten years ago, I would have thought you were out of your mind. Yet, taking sex seriously made a big improvement in my life, and I feel more alive than ever.
Æbele Kluwer is a coach for men on intimacy, relationships, and sex. He is also an experienced Shibari practitioner. People come to him to be tied-up, or to learn how to tie-up somebody else.
For more information please check www.aebelekluwer.nl or www.shibari.nl.
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