In the series In Bed with Friends I have open and intimate conversations with friends and friends-to-be about sexual topics and practices that need more loving attention.
Masturbation is known to be good for your health, it helps to release tension, it can increase your level of happiness and it is basically recommended by your doctor or pharmacist. In the past, masturbation was morally condemned and especially children and adolescents were informed about the threats with fear-inducing claims. Now we are welcoming the benefits of masturbation, but what do we know about self-pleasure?
I noticed that not only me, but a lot of my friends were masturbating as a form of relief, sometimes even as a form of procrastination. The orgasm was always the goal of the practice. The wish to orgasm could arise any time during the day and then it is easy to get you there fast. Of course, there have been phases where you didn’t feel like it at all and phases where you’d be on it every day. That is normal. It’s not necessary to play with yourself, if you don’t feel like it. But the fact that we don’t usually treat ourselves like we would treat our lovers or how we want to be treated by our lovers is something to think about.
Turn me on
When we have sex, we might want to prepare our space, make it look nice, put some music on, light some candles. We might want to take our time with our partner, give and get some massages, kiss each other everywhere, explore our bodies and then make love or fuck. The pleasure we can experience throughout the whole time might become the main attraction and the orgasm is just a beautiful side product. When we masturbate a lot of us still lock themselves in a room, pull down their pants, sit or lay down and stimulate the clitoris or the cock. A lot of peoples’ bodies turn stiff through the anticipation just before climaxing, which seemingly helps the orgasm, but not the pleasure. And whether you’re watching porn or thinking of one of your fantasies, it usually takes not more than a couple of minutes to orgasm and ejaculate. For some it can still evoke a shameful or dirty feeling afterwards.
Platforms like OMGyes for example try to break the taboos for women and demonstrate a representative range of movements and practices that exist in the world. CHEEX started doing Live Tutorials recently with experts guiding you through various practices. It is practical, hands-on and experience-based. Yet I want to talk about the whole experience, beyond the techniques, beyond the orgasmic relief. I want to talk about self-pleasure.
I only have very few friends who actually set aside some time in their calendars for self-pleasure time. For the ones who do, self-pleasure is a ritual where they get to connect with themselves on a very intimate level.
It is about physically exploring ourselves, our desires and fantasies, but it is also about self-worth and self-love. To a lot of us it seems silly to invest actual time to spend with the body, caressing it, spoiling it with body lotion, tenderly touching it, breathing, making sound and feeling the body. Noticing what feels good and what doesn’t. This is important, yet again it is something we haven’t learnt. It makes us feel our own love, shows us that we’re worthy of our own touch, it makes us feel sexy and it connects us with ourselves.
Make love to yourself
You can have a quickie with yourself anytime, but occasionally or even better regularly, make it a priority to make time to properly make love to yourself. When you do make time for that, you can set up your space with some soft lights or candles, you can play music that makes you feel sexy and move to the music if you wish. Seduce yourself! Often, we forget that the space around us or the atmosphere in the space plays an important part in how we feel. And one of the more difficult tasks: Try turning off your busy mind to connect with your body.
Of orgasms and pleasure
If you had a shower or a bath in the beginning of your self-pleasure time, add a few drops of body oil or lotion to the palms of your hand, before touching and applying pressure to your skin, moving from your neck down to your chest, around your nipples, down to your stomach, your sex centre, your legs and feet and say whatever comes up for you when massaging this part of your body. Move your hands where they feel good and where your body wants them the most. It doesn’t have to be focused on the genitals, sometimes your elbow might want some attention or your body just wants to be hugged by you. Experiment with movement, express your emotions and breathe. When you’re moving, you’re letting the energy in your body flow which increases orgasms. Breathe deeply and freely and make sound when you touch yourself. We unconsciously tend to hold our breath while masturbating. To focus on the breathing and taking deep breaths as well as letting sound come out of your mouth can change the whole experience. If your hands want to move to your vulva or your cock at some point, let them. If you want to orgasm, you can, but don’t treat yourself like you aren’t worthy of your own love and affection. Play with yourself, be curious and feel free to explore your body however you wish.