Have you ever experienced boredom during sex? Many of my friends and I confess as much. There have been times when we found ourselves lying in bed with our partners experiencing little to no excitement or pleasure.
We each did it for various reasons. Some didn’t want to interrupt the pleasure of the penetrating partner. Others didn’t want to offend their partner for the horrible performance. Sometimes, the sex was simply not “bad enough” to warrant stopping it.
While the last reason sets a concerning expectation for lovemaking, none of them justify women having sex when they don’t enjoy it. Sex is not a sort of duty or a means of boosting the other party’s ego. The whole experience should be about fun, excitement and mutual pleasure.
As I researched the topic, I realised, my friends and I are not alone. Many AFAB people’s sexual experiences are far from satisfying. We are five times more likely than AMAB people to experience pain during intercourse and nearly 50% of AFAB people regularly fake the big O. In heterosexual relationships, AMAB people have 20% to 50% more orgasms than AFAB people—that is the orgasm gap.
Slowly but surely, we’ve reached the point where the pleasure gap is bigger than the pay gap.
So what can we do about it? Or rather, what can you do about it?
Here are some tips to close the orgasm gap and have more exciting, pleasurable sex:
1. Don't Fake It 'Til You Make It
While many of us have already faked an orgasm, this definitely won’t close the pleasure gap. I used to fake my moans, thinking they should always be part of sex. But how can my partner know what excites me if I give him fake guidance? How can our partners learn about our needs if we fake them? We’re guiding them in the wrong direction and expecting them to find the right way.
2. If It Doesn't Feel Good—Stop!
I don’t know about you, but there were times when I continued with sex even when it didn’t feel pleasurable anymore. I didn’t want to speak up because I didn’t want to interrupt my partner’s pleasure, you know. Today I believe this behaviour is not quite fair. Think about it the other way around: Would you still enjoy sex if you were aware your partner doesn’t? Still, especially women remain silent even when they find their partner’s movements less than pleasurable.
You shouldn’t feel ashamed for not enjoying something your partner is doing. Sex is not for serving the other person’s needs. It’s not for one-sided satisfaction or ego-boosting. Instead, it’s an exciting experience for all parties involved. If one participant isn’t enjoying the act, it’s better to stop.
“Sex takes the consent of two. If one person is lying there not doing anything because they are not ready or not in the mood or simply don’t want to yet the other is having sex with their body, it’s not love…” – Rupi Kaur
3. Communicate!
Improving the quality of sex requires communicating with your partner. Kindly, but confidently tell what feels good and what doesn’t. Your partner will most likely appreciate your honesty. Ultimately, he/she/they also want(s) your pleasure.
Hint: Sometimes you don’t have to speak it out—let your body speak. Your moaning and body language will help if it’s authentic.
4. Don't underestimate the clit
Over 80% of AFAB people cannot reach an orgasm through penetration alone. In fact, “nearly 3 out of 4 women say clitoral stimulation is necessary for orgasm or makes orgasm feel better“.
Despite these findings, we sometimes underestimate the role of the clit. In heterosexual relationships, we tend to think penetration is king, the ultimate sex act.
Most women believe otherwise, though. A gentle touch on the clit can feel like Heaven was brought down to Earth. I don’t know about you, but it makes me beg for more.
5. Experiment
What can be more exciting than trying out different stuff and embracing our fantasies together? Feel free to seek and enjoy whatever turns you on, as long as it doesn’t involve harm to yourself or others. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Whether it’s trying out a new position, engaging in a sensual massage, conquering the kitchen floor, indulging in a soft-core BDSM session, or engaging in role-play, finding what excites you can bring you closer to the big O.
6. Masturbate.
The best way to implement all the abovementioned tips is to become conscious of your needs. If you’re unaware of your pleasure points, how can you teach and communicate them to anybody else?
Masturbation is the easiest way to get to know your body. Take your time to discover your sweet spots and enjoy the process.
At the end of the day, your love for yourself is the longest love you’ll ever know.
If you’d like to know yourself better, check out our latest videos. You’ll learn much about your body while enjoying a sweet solo performance.
