Foreplay is a forgotten art, something left behind and seen as unnecessary. But this abandoned knowledge is the key to a thriving sex life based on communication and consent. Foreplay is often thought of as something that we do before sex, and some even think of it as a way to get to the “real sex”…. a.k.a. penetration. Unfortunately we have been trained with this heteropatriarchal way of thinking and we must unlearn these myths. Real sex is whatever way two (or more) people consentingly decide on.
So, foreplay is a way to lead into the way that we want to have sex, that does not necessarily have to be penetrative. Let’s keep in mind too: foreplay does not always mean that sex has to happen after. It could just be a nice space to explore. Remember that: even if you engage in foreplay, you still need to consent to sex. Consent should also be included in the moments of foreplay. It does not have to be as awkward as you think it is. It is a great time to use the question “what feels good for you?”. When you communicate what you like and ask others what they like, you have a higher sexual satisfaction, it is as simple as that.
Here are some myths we wanna debunk about foreplay:
Foreplay is just for the bedroom
That is so routine! Foreplay can be done anywhere. Think about different contexts, like flirting over dinner with your partner or sending sexy texts while you are away or giving a seductive compliment about what you like about your partner or lover. Build anticipation by dropping them a line or two. Some great ideas are: “you are so good with your tongue, I want you to get creative and use it on me wherever you like tonight”, “My skin is craving your touch, please start with your fingertips on my back”, or “I wanna feel your mouth and breath on the back of my neck while I try to concentrate in this task I have to do”.
Foreplay is boring
Why does it have to be boring? Life is too short to be boring! We can move past just kissing or making out and take it to another level. There are so many erogenous zones, how could you get bored? The chest, nipples, butt, perineum (Your perineum is the tiny patch of sensitive skin between your genitals -vaginal opening or scrotum- and anus), mouth, back, thighs, feet, armpits, backs of the arms, navel, behind the knees, neck, ears, and the list could go on!
Simple physical contact can be such a turn on. Can you imagine your partner’s hands firmly grabbing your thigh? Their mouth near your chest? You softly caressing them from the neck down while looking directly into their eyes?
Our advice? Use this time to get creative and exploratory. Why not try something new like exploring a kink? It can also be an exciting way to rediscover things in your relationship- both with the other person and with yourself!
Foreplay should just be quick so you can get to the real action
Let us stop you right there and introduce you to a revolutionary idea…. slow sex! Why not start a new trend in a world that wants us to be constantly busy and running from point A to B? Foreplay should be savoured because it can be a delicious moment of connection and being present in our bodies. Instead of thinking about what happens next, think about what sensations you are feeling at the moment.
Here are some examples of what things you can focus on to be present in the moment: is your skin feeling electric to the touch of your partner’s fingertips moving slowly down your back? Are you feeling warm or tingly as someone uses their breath to move over your body? Do you note your breath getting faster and your heartbeat increasing? Are you really enjoying the feeling of a tongue gliding down your neck?
Things you want to focus on while getting hot and heavy
Foreplay can be something you set up to happen by purposely creating the environment or it can be more improvised. In both cases it is very much about being there, in the moment, trying to feel what it is that you and your partner/s desire. Many times we need to leave aside things that stress us out to be able to focus on what our body is really feelling. We suggest simple things like silencing your phone, putting on your favourite playlist, and making sure you have an intimate or private setting. If you are not into these things you can also switch things up and create the environment that feels best for you, maybe you like a more improvised feeling. It is not about fixed instructions that you need to follow to get in the right mood, it is more about seeking what you actually desire and being open and caring enough to hear what your lover/s longings are as well.
Communication can be a very sexy part of foreplay. Not just dirty talk, but also expressing desires, fears or any other feelings, can greatly improve your sex life. Even when the topic is not sexy stuff, building a context where you feel comfortable sharing with someone makes it so much easier to picture and develop intimacy together. Is not like you need to have long talks to be able to be hot for each other though! Just try to be upfront with your words and behaviour. Keep this in mind beforehand and practice checking on each other while sharing sexy time. Also, make sure to lower your expectations about how this shared experience of foreplay should develop, this way not only will you avoid any frustrations, but also take away the un-sexiest thing of them all… pressure.
And lastly we think that going slowly is always a good idea. It is easier to really feel what is happening between you and your partner/s and how to keep going when you are not in a rush. Slow does not mean less intense, many times is the exact opposite. You are always always able to speed up when the situation calls for it. Taking things slow both with yourself and with your partner could intensify the pleasure and also help intentionally build a very intimate memory for you both.